2007-07-27

Religion

Wow. I just found this (quite old) post from my apathosist days... although I consider myself to be an Atheist now, most of it still rings true, so I'm reposting it here.

Okay, time to cover religion. You've got your ideological religions - agnosticism, atheism, and apathosism. Atheists believe there is no god. Agnostics don't know if there is a god or not. And Apathosists don't care if there is or not, they'll find out when they get there. If you haven't guessed, I fall into the last category.

Then you've basically got three other types of religions - anglican, based around the Old Testament, the New Testament, or some Testament or another involving lots of guys with shabby clothing, unkempt beards, and a bit of an overzealous love for wine; and eastern, based around spending lots of time doing menial tasks or sitting very, very quietly for long periods of time to reach a state of personal enlightenment; and the Old Religions, which were mostly about farming, eating, killing, and procreating (and what else would you need in life?)

And then, of course, there are the Unitarian Universalists, who believe in stuff, and who evangelise door-to-door in comfortable shoes saying "Hello, I'm with the Unitarian Universalist Church, and I was hoping you could take a moment to hear the joys of, well, whatever you believe in, being, ah, really really good, and all." If you've ever been to a Unitarian church, you'll notice a lot of Birkenstocks and Ugg boots and other brand-name hippie footwear. In fact, as a kid, for a brief while, I went to a Unitarian youth program at Our Lady of Sensible Shoes - fantastic lot, lots of candles, cork sandals, sex ed is done every year 5th grade through high school at an anual sleepover weekend at the church (good planning...) Makes for an interesting childhood, lemme tell ya.

And Unitarian ministers are great - they all sound like announcers from NPR, or maybe subliminal tape voiceover actors from Canada. Very polite, always soothing tones, lots of talk about how pretty the trees and the sky and the flowers are. Very politically correct church, they try to keep it non-denominational - no, not easy in a church, but if it's not a challenge, it's probably not worth doing, right? Or maybe it's just not worth doing right? I always get those confused...

So anyway, and then there was the Unitarian Inquisition - "Excuse me? Ah, excuse me?" "Yes?" "Well, I was just wondering... what do you believe?" "What do you mean?" "You know, the whole god, devil, afterlife thing - what's your stance?" "Well, I'm a Pagan, as a matter of fact." "Ahhh, yes, very good. Good for you, that. Hope you're enjoying it." "Well, the orgies are nice..." "Ah, yes... Ahh.... Have some tea?" "Well, aren't you supposed to be putting me on the rack now?" "What? Oh, goodness no... that'd be terrible... we might light some candles later..." "Candles?" "Yes, candles, love the things, can't get enough of 'em. May I ask another question? Do you have a comfortable pair of shoes?"

So, yes. That's the UU Church. I also did the Old Gnostic Mass for a while, that's pretty interesting, a dozen drunken Jews in Southern California putting on a Shakesperian play set in Pagan Rome with nude women and oh, what the hell, we'll use whiskey for sacrement, can't find the wine, whiskey's better anyway, I always feel closer to God after I've had a few. "There is nothing in me that is not of the Gods." Unless you're Michael Jackson, in which case most of what's in you is synthetic anyway.

I've done pagan circles too - again with the whiskey. I find that the alternative religions tend to very quickly decide that hard liquor is much more religious than wine. And if those stale crackers are the body of Christ, I really have to worry about the guy. I understand people are supposed to taste like pork, not cardboard. He might want to have a quick chat with God about that one. "Excuse me, dad?" "Yes?" "Well, I was wondering.... why do I taste like crap?" "Ahh, well... Huh... Hadn't really thought of that... Ahhh... well, you see, it's... it's, ahh.... it's all Adam's fault, that bastard! He - he made me do it!Yes, that's it..."

So, yeah. That's religion in a nutshell for ya. If you're still having trouble choosing one, go with Apathosism, it's easier, and it lets you have a lot more fun.
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